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Down but not out. fightfightfight. [31 Aug 2015|01:30pm]
Hello me,
I write to you from the wasteland of your hometown. Times are tough. You live in your mom's crowded spare bedroom. Her hoarding problem hasnt gotten any better. Its suffocating. Do you remember how suffocating it was? I used to remember it fondly from my childhood. Like it made things seem cozy. But its not cozy. Its suffocating. As you remember, your life is shit here. You have the option of a dead end job or an unfulfilling career path in management. The degree is still not worth the paper its printed on. Maybe its expensive paper, but it sure as hell isnt this student loan debt's worth of expensive.
I found out a guy I took a graphic design class with in high school is an art director in Grand Rapids. The dude had like NO TALENT in highschool. Seriously, none. Just dicked around with Photoshop filters to make stuff for his band. But he was some township church kid and got a church scholarship to go to whatever that art school is in Grand Rapids. Now he's an art director. I hope to (his) god that he got really good and its not just another case of to the rich go the opportunities. Anyway, like I said, life is shit here. You remember. Never forget. Never come back here.
I see so many that wade in this shit hole like its paradise. Their parents buy them a car, pay for their gas, send them to Ann Arbor or Grand Rapids for school and then hire them to work at their offices when they come back and they drive around with their smiles like life is grand here. That ain't us. Theres nothing here for us.
Mom is still drowning in her piles of thrift store "antiques" and blowing her disability check on Home Shopping Network jewelry. I try to explain to her that it will never be worth more than what you paid for it. Its called retail markup. I used to have the hope of buying her a place outside of this state. I cant prevent her death but atleast I can keep her from dying HERE. Buried in all that worthless crap. Sitting in the living room in a heavy coat all winter because its too expensive to turn up the heat in that plywood box of a house. Sigh. But I can barely afford to get myself out of here.
We cant make a life here. Good for all those happy people that can I guess. They get to live where they were born and be comfortable. But we have to move on. Just like mom left Mexico. Just like my dad left Texas. Like my brother left the USA. Anyway, the impetus for this entry is that I met a girl. And then lost her. It was just supposed to be an easy thing. Hard and fast. Then go to Japan. But Japan fell through. And little by little I let myself feel more and more. I swear to god I tried. I've never had my good intentions misinterpreted so much in my life. I just wanted to care about some body as much as I could. But this is not the place for that. Start something just to leave it behind. That was greedy of me. I'm sorry for that.
Never forget. Must always remember. The only time I ever felt like I was doing anything with my life was when I was outside of this place. Its always been hard. I never should have come back. It gets harder to escape each time. Get it together. Just enough to make a move. Budget flights and too many layovers. Just carry-on. No checked baggage. Traveling alone. Purpose of your journey; employment. Just get there. Its worth it. You can do it. You've done it before.
Sigh. Anyway, how are you? What is your life like? Where are you living. For the love of Christ, if you say Saginaw, just stop reading this and walk out into oncoming traffic right now. I hope you're in..... I hope you're somewhere else. Japan, China, Korea, Germany, doing Peace Corp, waiting tables in Australia, changing bed sheets at the hostel in Detroit. Anywhere but here.
Since it will be 2016 when you read this, how is the election going? Is Trump the Republican nominee? Please say no. Did Bernie Sanders figure out he has to give a damn about the problems of black people TODAY and not just hold up that picture of him in the 60s if he wants the black vote? If you're outside of the country, dude, please, fill out an absentee ballot this time.
How is your wrist? Right now, fucker will not stop aching for some reason. Hope its better on your end. Hope you're in good health and you have a gym membership somewhere. And how is the hair, by the way? This relationship stuff has me wanting to shave it all off. Like I need a rebirth. A new beginning. I hope I dont do that though. And I hope that by the time you read this that your hairline hasnt receded to the point that its just silly to have long hair.
Man, usually I set a goal for myself and then I totally achieve it by the next time I read this thing, but honestly, I have no clue where I'm going to be in a year. Where are you? I wish you could tell me. So I could make a plan. So I could be of some help to you. I feel lost.
Anyway, whatever you're doing, do it with purpose. Right now, I think I forgot what the purpose was. I'll figure it out though. We'll figure it out. You'll have figured it out. I hope. Laterz, me.
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so we meet again [25 Aug 2014|02:42pm]
Who's this handsome guy!? *talkin about you, me*

Once again, hello future-me.

Congratulations! Not dead OR in prison as of this day 2014.

How is life? Where do you live? What do you do? Are you happy? I, being you, doubt it. But I did just watch this TED talk about how our personalities never stop evolving. So I guess theres hope that you're now(future now) an emotionally stable person with some idea of what you want to do with your life and how to go about achieving that. I think this is true because god knows we are almost nothing like early 20s us. That guy was a nutcase. Handsome devil though he was.

As you know I am (you were) living in Beijing and teaching English for another year. Its not bad at all. Not exactly fufilling, but it beats scrubbing toilets at the local community college to get by. (Ha, actually, that job wasnt so bad. We listened to so many books on tape during those long nights, so many albums, so many podcasts.) Beijing is okay. Not amazing. Kind of got its head up its own ass in a lot of ways but it does beat living in Saginaw by far. I don't regret coming here. Not sticking around after this contract is over but definitely not a waste of a year either.

So how are you? Are you in Japan doing the JET program, teaching in some backwater prefecture? Maybe at some franchise training school in Kyoto. Did you ever figure out how to land a Korean hagwon job in Tokyo. I hope you did (I do.) Maybe even making big bucks at an international school. Whatever you're doing I hope you're happy. Or atleast content. Or atleast doing whatever you're doing with purpose.

Good luck.
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Hello Again [26 Apr 2013|01:41pm]
Thought I'd update this thing for old time's sake. I probably wont read this for another 2 years so How are you, future-me?

I (present day me) am doing very well. As you know I am teaching English in South Korea right now. My contract will be over in 3 months and I'm not exactly sure what I want to do after this OR if I want to do another year here in Korea or maybe another country. I hope it all turned out well on your end.

I have been (as I'm sure you still do) been looking at old Livejournal posts. Man, we were quite a mess not too long ago. I dont know what exactly changed all that but I'm glad it did change. Anyway, you've got to be what, 34 35 years old now? I hope you're in good health and still relatively young-looking for your age. I wonder what you're doing with yourself. Traveling? Just working? Doing anything even remotely related to your college degree?

Wherever you are and whatever you're doing I'm sure you're making the best of it.

Unless you're dead. Or in prison.

Haha. Jk. Unless you are actually dead or in prison. In which case; Man, I did not see that coming.


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Gonna ignore my feelings... [15 Jun 2011|12:02pm]
...till they die. Like a neglected Tamagotchi.

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Lessons I should've learned a long time ago... [04 Jun 2011|01:54am]
You dont beat heroin by switching to meth. You dont get over someone by switching to somebody else. Gotta go cold turkey. Gotta get the need for that type of affection out of my system.

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Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: Me. [28 Apr 2011|11:17am]
hello, future me. I hope things a year or so from now when you actually read this again are doing well. Are we still living in Saginaw? I hope not. I'm sure you remember this time fondly but in case you dont i will refresh your memory. You got dumped. It sucks. Everything sucks only it doesnt. You feel like everything sucks only it doesnt cuz you realize shit could be way worse and it isnt so you need to get yourself together and do the only thing you can do which is move forward and try not to burn any bridges as you do cuz you(we) know as well as any that you sometimes have to do a little backtracking to finally get where your going.
I'll do my best to make sure you dont get too emo about all this. I'm not making any promises though. Take it easy.



P.s.-Stop shaving your head whenever you get depressed.

P.P.s- How does it feel to be 30?

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I'm a college guh-gah-goowah. [09 May 2010|03:33am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I had this weird dream last night. I dreamt I was in some big city train station struggling to figure out what train to get on and how to get to it. Somehow I ended up saying 'fuck it' and driving home with some strangers that took all these back roads. Along the way everybody we passed was crashing their cars and horses and bikes. We stopped just short of home to stretch our legs and when I got out of the car I realized I was right around the corner from the house where I grew up so I told the driver that there was fine and walked to my old house. It was super early in the morning and I wandered into the back yard and saw that the garage was open so I walked in and saw that it was filled with all this old and packed-away kid-stuff like bikes, tricycles, scooters, and even those balls with the rims that you can stand on and hop around. So I grab one of the hoppy-ball things and hop around the yard remembering what it was like to grow up around there. Then I realized that I wasnt actually home yet. That my long trip wasnt over. So I started walking toward where I live now which is on the other side of town. And it dawned on me that even when I got there that it wouldnt be the end of this journey. Even though I worked so hard and came so far to get there that it still wasnt the final destination. But atleast it was a starting point. Atleast it was a step in the right direction.

Dearest Myself,

Hello, it is me from the future. Almost a year to the day that you wrote this in fact. I bet you are wondering what the future is like. Well, its exactly the same. Same town. Same bank account balance. Same optimistic outlook yet pessimistic circumstance. I(we) seriously need to rethink some things. Obviously the way we are going about our life is getting us nowhere. We're doing the same things and ending up back in the same places. You know as well as me (wait? yeah.) that repeating the same actions and expecting different outcomes is the definition of insanity. So is writing notes to yourself probably. Anyway. Be different. Stop hoping. Starting acting (engaging in action). Optimism (and prozac) may make you feel good but they'll get you nowhere in the end (or atleast a year from now).



P.s.-Just go ahead and relax your hair as it grows out. You'll never pull off growing it out curly and just end up shaving it all off again.

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This is a pretty boring roller coaster [27 Feb 2010|08:34pm]
[ mood | confused ]

The pills help. I dont get the down spells so bad anymore. And I dont get the plummeting plunges into depression when I see certain people or obsessively think about certain things. But I still think about those people and those things. The pills dont do anything about that. That I'll have to figure out for myself I guess.

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28 years later [21 Feb 2010|10:44pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I'm 28 and I have issues and I feel like that if I havent gotten them under control by now than I probably never will.

Also: The prozac is making my palms and feet all sweaty for some reason.

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pa pa power. pa pa power. [25 Jan 2010|09:49pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

Things are looking up. I got through my referal, I got through my initial examination, and now I get to talk to an actual doctor that can prescribe me some pills that will make me not such of a wreck of a human being.
I'm starting to think the reason I keep people at a distance is because I've convinced myself that if they knew the real me than they wouldnt like me at all. Which is somewhat true I guess. I've only shown my depressed/anxious side to a couple of people and its pretty much ended those relationships. I'm tired of people finding out I'm not that awesome. I'm tired of seeing that look of disapointment on their faces. I might just be trying to avoid the anxiety of even having to worry about it. If you dont let anybody get close than you dont have to worry about it. But if you dont let people get close than you feel alone. I dont know what I'm talking about really. Who the fuck do I think I am; Sigmund Freud? I hope these pills do something.

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NEW RULE! [19 Jan 2010|10:39pm]
[ mood | grumpy ]

New Rule: If I've ever had my dick in you than you are no longer allowed to call me 'dude', 'buddy', 'pal', 'man' or anything other than Dave or Sir.

For some reason I just find it very insulting.

I had my damn dick in you for christ's sake.

If I've ever had my dick in you "on a regular basis" for any amount of time. Such as dating or and extending period of pre-dating hanging out.

And when I say "sir", I dont mean with a harsh tone and a salute. I mean a casual respectful way.

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The snuggy dance [09 Jan 2010|03:15am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I dont know what will make me happy. I thought for a while that it was a love that would last a lifetime. But I recently had a shot at that and it didnt feel right at all. (A few shots over the years now that I think about it.) But maybe its not what will make me happy though. Maybe it wasnt just the right person. Maybe I'm afraid of it or of the vunerability it would require. Maybe I just dont know what will make me happy.

But I should probably figure it out. I dont want to hurt anybody. I dont want to waste anybody's time. My own time, my own hurt, I'm not so worried about. I'm pretty used to it. I pretty much expect it. Some people are more optimistic though it seems. Its beautiful how optismistic they are. Hearts on their sleeves. No fear of the hurt that can lead to.

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I'll be fine once I get it. [09 Dec 2009|11:59pm]
Theres happiness out there. Somewhere. And I'm going to find it.
Whether it takes a pill a day, two or three different careers, a change of scenery, or a whole lot of searching just to end up back where I began, I will find it.
Or die pursuing it.
(always gotta throw some death in there)

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I hate not being in control of my emotional state and my impulses... [06 Dec 2009|03:34pm]
[ mood | blah ]

No matter how wonked out I get when I'm feeling like shit there is always this little voice of well-adjusted emotionally-balanced 'me' in the back of my head. And this little bit of me is usually pretty terrified when I start thinking really dark things, and acting out on them. I've had razors at my wrists. I've looked up the prices and procedures for buying guns. I started long walks toward tall buildings. For that little bit of sanity its like riding shotgun in a car being driven by a suicidal lunatic. This lunatic that keeps swirving and accelerating and saying all sorts of disturbed things and all that little bit of sanity can do is put on a fake smile through clenched teeth and hang on and try to convince the guy behind the wheel that he doesnt mean what he's saying.
And in the morning I wake up with that sanity in complete control and wondering how the hell I even made it through the night. This, in a nutshell, is what its like to be me atleast half of the time. This is not normal. This is not healthy. I am so very tired of this. I serioulsy need to get some help.

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reality check to the boards [24 Nov 2009|02:01am]
[ mood | awake ]

I live a life of relative ease.
I have friends that honestly care when they ask "How are you doing?"
I have family that would take me in their arms no matter what filth they found me face down in.
I'm sheltered and fed and safe.

Why do I take all this for granted so much.
Why so often is this not enough.
Why do I need that one type of love when even that is not enough when I have it.

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we all secretly want to be some part of a car crash [20 Nov 2009|05:47pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Lately I feel like I dont give a fuck about anything. And its manifesting itself in the strangest ways. I want to be destructive. But not out of anger or angst. I just want to be the catylist. I want to be apart of a spectacular tradegy and watch it all going on around me. I want to grab the wheel from the passenger seat so I'll know the crash is coming. So I can enjoy it.

At first this was a great feeling of nothing. I wasnt happy, I wasnt sad, and since I had no reason to be either I guess that meant I was feeling normal. But now 'nothing' is becoming "I dont give a fuck about anything....myself least of all". I feel like I want to hurt myself but not physically and not to punish myself. I just want something destructive to happen and know its about to happen. Because I know that in this state of mind I wont care. It will just be another experience. Something to contemplate. Like when you're drunk and sitting at home, alone and depressed, and you cut yourself because you know you wont feel it. And to see the blood dripping is a spectacle. A distant spectacle. Even though its happening to you.
Atleast something is happening to you.

I know in my heart of hearts that none of this means anything. Its just whats going on behind my eyes. None of this seems to be affecting school work or social interactions. And I'm thankful for that. As long as I can end these rants on a happy note I guess I'm doing pretty good. Time to go smile and shake hands and see what damage I can do.

"..And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there."

cLOUDDEAD - 'Dead Dogs Two' - BOC Remix - Music Video (Unofficial) from STEPHEN SMITH on Vimeo.

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And the number one reason to hate having a cock is...... [16 Nov 2009|10:01am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

...it often makes a hypocrite of your heart.

Brain and cock are totally over it.
But the heart still lingers. Feeling guilty for things that it has no obligation to feel guilty about. Robbing me of what little comfort and distraction I can find in the warm beds of friends and aquaintances.
And brain and cock are like, "Why the fuck do we hang out with that guy?".

I guess two out of three isnt bad.

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Cant all be netflix and cuddling. Hard rain a'gonna fall sometime. [15 Nov 2009|09:05pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Every time I see her I swear my heart stops for a second.
And in that second there is a terrible feeling of loss. Like when a child gives away a toy and then is overwhelmed with wanting it back when they see somebody else enjoying it. Not so much a 'gimmie' but a longing, like he knows he can never have it back but he's yet to grasp the concept of 'dealing with it'. What is this terrible feeling? Will this second ever end?
That may make it sound really childish and selfish but it also makes it easier to deal with. It makes it easier to get through that second without letting it show on my face.

I have everything that really matters. Everything I really need.
I just need to get that through my head.

I was sitting and talking with my mom today. We were talking about the family. We're all suckers in the heart department. We cant be alone.
Haha. Its kind of comforting in that its so tragic.
Thank you mom for the depression.
We were driving through the old neighborhood and she pointed out an old rundown liquor store. "I hate that store. I never go in there. Thats where you dad would buy his pints"
Thank you dad for the alcholism.
I let that sink in and she sees me looking all 'thinky' in the passenger seat. A kind of thousand-yard stare that I would see her in all the time as a kid. Sitting at the kitchen table smoking ciggarettes and drinking coffee. She sees me in that trance and gives me a smile and says "I love you.".
"I love you too, mom".

I have everything that matters.
We continue down the road.

"...The next time I see you at Sophia’s place,
We’ll fall right back in line.
We’ll tilt up our glasses and we’ll pour us some beer,
Come on then and be a good friend.
Hey you, do you see?
There’s one more silver lining.
So come on then and be a good friend."

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On days like today, [10 Nov 2009|12:47am]
I wish I had the balls,
to drag the blade just a little bit deeper.

I cant wait to see how miserable I am at age 60. The neighborhood children will make up stories about me.
"He look like that cuz he only eat lemons".
haha. wow, that actually cheered me up quite a bit.
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You and no one else... [08 Nov 2009|01:54am]
[ mood | straight up sad, yo. ]

There is a light that shines brighter than anything in the world.
And it casts out the darkness, illuminating everything that is beautiful and meaningful.
But there will always be shadows.
You cannot peel them away.
They are proof of substance.

I'm glad Erin found somebody that makes her happy. I care about her and when the people I care about are happy then I should be happy for them.
I just wish it didnt make me feel so sorry for myself. I wish it didnt make me so sad. I wish I didnt think about it all the time. I wish it didnt keep me up at night. I wish it didnt keep me in bed in the morning. I wish I could stop putting myself through this.

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