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My other online journal is a TRANS AM.
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| Hello Again |
[26 Apr 2013|01:41pm] |
Thought I'd update this thing for old time's sake. I probably wont read this for another 2 years so How are you, future-me?
I (present day me) am doing very well. As you know I am teaching English in South Korea right now. My contract will be over in 3 months and I'm not exactly sure what I want to do after this OR if I want to do another year here in Korea or maybe another country. I hope it all turned out well on your end.
I have been (as I'm sure you still do) been looking at old Livejournal posts. Man, we were quite a mess not too long ago. I dont know what exactly changed all that but I'm glad it did change. Anyway, you've got to be what, 34 35 years old now? I hope you're in good health and still relatively young-looking for your age. I wonder what you're doing with yourself. Traveling? Just working? Doing anything even remotely related to your college degree?
Wherever you are and whatever you're doing I'm sure you're making the best of it.
Unless you're dead. Or in prison.
Haha. Jk. Unless you are actually dead or in prison. In which case; Man, I did not see that coming.
Sincerely,
-Me
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| Lessons I should've learned a long time ago... |
[04 Jun 2011|01:54am] |
You dont beat heroin by switching to meth. You dont get over someone by switching to somebody else. Gotta go cold turkey. Gotta get the need for that type of affection out of my system.
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| Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: Me. |
[28 Apr 2011|11:17am] |
hello, future me. I hope things a year or so from now when you actually read this again are doing well. Are we still living in Saginaw? I hope not. I'm sure you remember this time fondly but in case you dont i will refresh your memory. You got dumped. It sucks. Everything sucks only it doesnt. You feel like everything sucks only it doesnt cuz you realize shit could be way worse and it isnt so you need to get yourself together and do the only thing you can do which is move forward and try not to burn any bridges as you do cuz you(we) know as well as any that you sometimes have to do a little backtracking to finally get where your going.
I'll do my best to make sure you dont get too emo about all this. I'm not making any promises though. Take it easy.
Sincerely,
You.
P.s.-Stop shaving your head whenever you get depressed.
P.P.s- How does it feel to be 30?
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| I'm a college guh-gah-goowah. |
[09 May 2010|03:33am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
I had this weird dream last night. I dreamt I was in some big city train station struggling to figure out what train to get on and how to get to it. Somehow I ended up saying 'fuck it' and driving home with some strangers that took all these back roads. Along the way everybody we passed was crashing their cars and horses and bikes. We stopped just short of home to stretch our legs and when I got out of the car I realized I was right around the corner from the house where I grew up so I told the driver that there was fine and walked to my old house. It was super early in the morning and I wandered into the back yard and saw that the garage was open so I walked in and saw that it was filled with all this old and packed-away kid-stuff like bikes, tricycles, scooters, and even those balls with the rims that you can stand on and hop around. So I grab one of the hoppy-ball things and hop around the yard remembering what it was like to grow up around there. Then I realized that I wasnt actually home yet. That my long trip wasnt over. So I started walking toward where I live now which is on the other side of town. And it dawned on me that even when I got there that it wouldnt be the end of this journey. Even though I worked so hard and came so far to get there that it still wasnt the final destination. But atleast it was a starting point. Atleast it was a step in the right direction.
Dearest Myself,
Hello, it is me from the future. Almost a year to the day that you wrote this in fact. I bet you are wondering what the future is like. Well, its exactly the same. Same town. Same bank account balance. Same optimistic outlook yet pessimistic circumstance. I(we) seriously need to rethink some things. Obviously the way we are going about our life is getting us nowhere. We're doing the same things and ending up back in the same places. You know as well as me (wait? yeah.) that repeating the same actions and expecting different outcomes is the definition of insanity. So is writing notes to yourself probably. Anyway. Be different. Stop hoping. Starting acting (engaging in action). Optimism (and prozac) may make you feel good but they'll get you nowhere in the end (or atleast a year from now).
Sincerely,
Yourself
P.s.-Just go ahead and relax your hair as it grows out. You'll never pull off growing it out curly and just end up shaving it all off again.
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| This is a pretty boring roller coaster |
[27 Feb 2010|08:34pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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The pills help. I dont get the down spells so bad anymore. And I dont get the plummeting plunges into depression when I see certain people or obsessively think about certain things. But I still think about those people and those things. The pills dont do anything about that. That I'll have to figure out for myself I guess.
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| 28 years later |
[21 Feb 2010|10:44pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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I'm 28 and I have issues and I feel like that if I havent gotten them under control by now than I probably never will.
Also: The prozac is making my palms and feet all sweaty for some reason.
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| pa-pa power. pa-pa power. |
[25 Jan 2010|10:13pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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Things are looking up. I got through my referal, I got through my initial examination, and now I get to talk to an actual doctor that can prescribe me some pills that will make me not such of a wreck of a human being.
UPDATE: Prozac is actually not that expensive. Even without insurance. $4 for a 30day supply. Who CANT afford that?
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| The snuggy dance |
[09 Jan 2010|03:15am] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
] |
I dont know what will make me happy. I thought for a while that it was a love that would last a lifetime. But I recently had a shot at that and it didnt feel right at all. (A few shots over the years now that I think about it.) But maybe its not what will make me happy though. Maybe it wasnt just the right person. Maybe I'm afraid of it or of the vunerability it would require. Maybe I just dont know what will make me happy.
But I should probably figure it out. I dont want to hurt anybody. I dont want to waste anybody's time. My own time, my own hurt, I'm not so worried about. I'm pretty used to it. I pretty much expect it. Some people are more optimistic though it seems. Its beautiful how optismistic they are. Hearts on their sleeves. No fear of the hurt that can lead to.
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| I'll be fine once I get it. |
[09 Dec 2009|11:59pm] |
Theres happiness out there. Somewhere. And I'm going to find it.
Whether it takes a pill a day, two or three different careers, a change of scenery, or a whole lot of searching just to end up back where I began, I will find it.
Or die pursuing it.
(always gotta throw some death in there)
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| Cant all be netflix and cuddling. Hard rain a'gonna fall sometime. |
[15 Nov 2009|09:05pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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Every time I see her I swear my heart stops for a second.
And in that second there is a terrible feeling of loss. Like when a child gives away a toy and then is overwhelmed with wanting it back when they see somebody else enjoying it. Not so much a 'gimmie' but a longing, like he knows he can never have it back but he's yet to grasp the concept of 'dealing with it'. What is this terrible feeling? Will this second ever end?
That may make it sound really childish and selfish but it also makes it easier to deal with. It makes it easier to get through that second without letting it show on my face.
I have everything that really matters. Everything I really need.
I just need to get that through my head.
I was sitting and talking with my mom today. We were talking about the family. We're all suckers in the heart department. We cant be alone.
Haha. Its kind of comforting in that its so tragic.
Thank you mom for the depression.
We were driving through the old neighborhood and she pointed out an old rundown liquor store. "I hate that store. I never go in there. Thats where you dad would buy his pints"
Thank you dad for the alcholism.
I let that sink in and she sees me looking all 'thinky' in the passenger seat. A kind of thousand-yard stare that I would see her in all the time as a kid. Sitting at the kitchen table smoking ciggarettes and drinking coffee. She sees me in that trance and gives me a smile and says "I love you.".
"I love you too, mom".
I have everything that matters.
We continue down the road.
"...The next time I see you at Sophia’s place,
We’ll fall right back in line.
We’ll tilt up our glasses and we’ll pour us some beer,
Come on then and be a good friend.
Hey you, do you see?
There’s one more silver lining.
So come on then and be a good friend."
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| You and no one else... |
[08 Nov 2009|01:54am] |
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mood |
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 straight up sad, yo. |
] |
There is a light that shines brighter than anything in the world.
And it casts out the darkness, illuminating everything that is beautiful and meaningful.
But there will always be shadows.
You cannot peel them away.
They are proof of substance.
I'm glad Erin found somebody that makes her happy. I care about her and when the people I care about are happy then I should be happy for them.
I just wish it didnt make me feel so sorry for myself. I wish it didnt make me so sad. I wish I didnt think about it all the time. I wish it didnt keep me up at night. I wish it didnt keep me in bed in the morning. I wish I could stop putting myself through this.
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| Time to pull over the Wah-bulance for a minute. |
[04 Nov 2009|01:24pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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I have friends and family that care about me.
I have a place that will always be home.
I have everything that I really need in life.
One day this will be more than just a repeatedly passing realization.
The possibility of happiness is real.
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| remain cute |
[15 Oct 2009|10:39am] |
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mood |
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 ditzy |
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I have not been this officially hung-over in a long time.
Frickin dry-heaves/pounding headache/shakey-hands officially hungover.
Atleast now I know that the jacuzzi suites at the Ramada Inn arent all that amazing.
And people at school like me more when I'm all raspy-voiced and still somewhat drunk.
Now I have 30minutes to kill till the bus back home.
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| Back home. |
[29 Aug 2009|05:19pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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Chicago was fun. Wish I would've brought a camera. I will definately have to drop some student-loan dollars on a new digi-cam and a new charger for my old one.
Classes start monday at 1pm. Gotta get up early and buy books and photography-class stuff. Atleast I'll have some cash once I cash-in my bookstore balance.
Student-loan check should be sitting in my mailbox at home. Too bad I didnt get back in time to cash it today. I can always run it to the bank by school after buying books and before class.
I should be ready to move out of my mom's by this weekend. First, and probably the only real purchase for the room, will be the purchase of a grown man's size bed. With a sturdy (possibly mirrored) headboard for man sized sexual exploits. That sounds pretty homosexual now that I read it aloud. Not that I feel like fucking anything these days. But any dedication to celibacy at this point would just be an act of passive agression toward all ex-girlfriends. And I'm sure that sooner or later my cock will end up in somebody. (Shoot, it only took a month last time. That beats my old record of a year and a half by leaps and bounds.)
I hate how much things matter/dont matter in my life. I hate that I bought this lottery ticket in Illinois that won $2 and now I'm home and cant cash it. I hate that I spent my last actually dollars on a hotdog at a bus station and now I dont have any money for the local bus home. I hate that I have to wear baggy pants over my skinny pants till I get across the river so I dont get hassled. I hate that I'm lingering so much on things to hate.
Hate is a strong word.
UPDATE: I also hate being newly single. When I'm dating somebody I get used to a certain of amount of sex and afterward I cant help but masturbate more often to compensate. My dick is starting to look like it went 15 rounds in the Octagon.
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| ........ |
[23 Aug 2009|07:34pm] |
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mood |
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gloomy |
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"He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man."
Psychopaths and sociopaths both apparently lack a conscience. Both will engage in behavior that harms others with no feeling of guilt or remorse, and rarely consider the risks to others implicit in their actions. They have an intellectual understanding of pro-social emotions, but seem to feel no emotional bonds with others. The result is that they can seem like perfectly decent and reasonable human beings in most situations, but can take bizarrely inappropriate actions to satisfy perceived insults, fantasies, or mere whims.
Those psychologists who make a distinction between the two usually do so on the basis of organization. Sociopaths are seen as disorganized and rash, making extreme responses to normal situations. They lack impulse control. Psychopaths, by contrast, are highly organized, often secretly planning out and fantasizing about their acts in great detail before actually committing them, and sometimes manipulating people around them.
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| More zombie-girlfriend'isms |
[22 Aug 2009|07:32pm] |
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mood |
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slit my wrists & black my eyes |
] |
I know I'm making progress but it still hurts.
It still hurts to see zombie-ex-girlfriend up and shambling around the room from one guy to the next. It still hurts to hear zombie-ex-girlfriend groan unintelligably about someone other than me no matter how vaguely or in-a-manner-of-speaking. And it definately still hurts to think thats she's out at night devouring some other man. I know that behind those sunken eyes she's not even the same creature whose heart once beated(bate?) for me, but it still hurts.
I also thought of some other zombie/ex-girlfriend'isms.
On casual sex with ex-girlfriends:
-You shouldnt fuck ex-girlfriends because they are like zombies. You may survive the encounters but you will walk away with less and less, weaker and weaker each time, and soon the disease to join them will overtake you.
On when ex-girlfriends seem to be totally different people after you break-up:
-When girlfriends become ex-girlfriends its like when a living person becomes a zombie. You're so used to seeing them one way and your whole concept of them is so based on that, that when the change happens its like that huge peice of them is now gone, and whats left is sometimes barely recognizable.
I might be stretching it a little bit on that last one.
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| Trying to grow up |
[16 Aug 2009|01:07pm] |
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I think I get it now.
Ex-Girlfriends are like zombies. They may resemble the person you once knew and loved but you must never confuse the two because ex-girlfriends, like zombies, will consume you if you're not careful.
Also: I seriously need to stay away from booze. I went from not drinking for three months, to splitting a pint with two other people, to drinking an entire 12-pack by myself and losing what little control I have over my head and heart.
The semester starts on the 31st. What am I going to do with my last weeks of summer?
"...you thought there'd be distance if I had walked away
I say there's no difference if I stay and make this hurt
trying to grow up and I'd love to end up growing old with you
tried to be persistent
persistence gets me pushed away
I say there's no difference
if I stay and make this hurt
trying to grow up and I'd love to end up growing old with you
you try it your own way this time
I must be losing patience
I see no sparks left in the air
relationships like spaceships
require refueling and repair
you try it your own way this time
trying to grow up and I'd love to end up growing old with you."
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| I'm too drunk for this shit |
[15 Aug 2009|05:29am] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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I understand the situation. Neither of us are getting any younger. We're both single. We can do what (who) we want. But I'm having a really hard time letting go of my deeper feelings. I really do want to remain friends but I dont know if I can do that just yet.
When I showed up at the camp-out/concert tonight I had it all under control. I saw her. I hugged her. She was distant as ever but when it came down to going home early or needing a place to sleep for the night she offered up the couch in the living room so I could stay. And she would sleep in the bedroom next door(without me, of course). And I told myself, "Dont be that ex that clings". And I gave her space.
But then she starts talking and leaning on this on this guy and in my drunkeness all I can think is "She's going to fuck that guy". And remembering all the get-to-know-you stories about how she "goes a little crazy when she isnt dating anyone". Which was fucking awesome when all that sexual liberation is directed at you but now she's not interested in me anymore. Now she's going to sleep with that guy or suck his cock or even just cuddle with him and I'm going to be to be drunk as shit in the next room within earshot of the whole thing trying to pretend that I'm asleep when inside my heart is collapsing in on itself and trying not to sob too loudly.
So I didnt stay. How could I. I only would have gotten more drunk and did something stupid. Like tell her I love her. Like that would change any of this. This. I dont know if I can do this. I dont know if I can just be her friend. Its so fucking stupid I know but I cant help it. Erin can do what she wants. I can do what I want. But all I want is her.
And the worst part is she's got carte-fucking-blanche in this whole thing. I broke up with her. I'm starting to regret that alot. I wish I never got the guts to call her out on the growing distance between us. The ever less frequent sex. I wish I never would have said "We gotta make this work or we have accept that it doesnt" "we're grown-ups" "you're not going to hurt my feelings". I tried so fucking hard to makes things better. I moved out when she felt like I was smothering her. I turned off all my defenses and tried to let her know I loved her whenever possible. Too little too late. She just doesnt have those feelings for me anymore. It happens. When you try your hardest make somethng work and all you get back is "I dont know if this is what I want" and "I just dont want to hurt your feelings" and the best one of all "Whats with all the fucking questions" then you know its time to let go. It happens. I'm a grown up. And my feelings fucking ache right now.
So what have I learned from all this?
-Never let yourself love anyone cuz 99% of the time it will only lead to heartache and emotional scars and baggage that will haunt you the rest of your life.
OR -Let yourself love as much as possible cuz its the most fufilling thing you can do as a human being.
OR MOST LIKELY -I have learned absolutely nothing.
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